Comolli's Promotion - What It means

Damien Comolli's meteoric rise at Anfield should be welcomed by all. The canny former spy and Spurs double-agent will be responsible for everything from kit washing to $50m player purchases, leaving Kenny to laugh at the media, and make inspirational speeches in the dressing room with the occasional Shankly quote. Said John Henry, Liverpool Massiah of Boston:

"Damien might even pitch for the Red Sox, we'll see how it goes".

Meanwhile Danny Pacheco, blocked all season from the first team by the powerful over-performer Christian Poulsen, has been shipped to Norwich, where he'll gain valuable experience bailing hay and picking strawberries. Said Damien "He'll certainly smell sweeter when he gets back, might give him the edge over Christian next season. I've never been keen on Christian's after-shave".

Transfer Rumours Liverpool Feb 21 - Sterling/Carroll/Benitez

Let's start this week with the remarkable reports that Rafa Benitez had secretly kidnapped Kenny Dalglish and was holding him hostage in his Wirral basement with a view to declaring him a "missing person" and regaining the manager's role at Liverpool FC.

Not true, say Merseyside Police. They went to check the reports and discovered Rafa having dinner with his milkman and Kenny. Later Kenny twittered he'd only gone around for "a bit of dinner and a glass of Rioja from the West Kirby Oddbins."

There might be more substance to the stories from Guardian Spanish football writer Sid Lowelife that Real Madrid are bidding for Raheem Sterling, the wonderkid who scored 29 of Liverpool's 36 goals in their Youth Cup victory over NuclearPowerPlant United of Essex.

To dissuade Real's advances, Fenway Sports are said to be offering Raheem a new Gameboy and 6 free GCSE certificates.

More worrying are the rumors in London of Andy Carroll's disillusion with life on Merseyside. Roman Abramovitch is set to be ready to offer up to 4-trillion rubles for the ex-Newcastle hitman, following reports in the Daily Snail that he's upset with the quality of Merseyside Fish and Chip Shops.

Chelski's negotiators are said to be revamping the menus of the Kings Road wine bars to include the northern delicacy, although Fernando Torres' absence from the team has been reported to be the result of extensive food poisoning.

More exclusives next week. Remember you saw it here first (and instantly forgot).

What to tell your kids about Torres

Every now and then there is an horrific international event which you cannot shield from your children. No matter how hard you try, they'll see it on TV, or another kid will be talking about it in the playground. It might be an earthquake, or a plane crash. When this happens, its best to be honest in answering the barrage of questions you will receive. 


So how come he's now playing in blue AGAINST Liverpool?
Didn't he say he loved the club, the fans, the place, and was committed to the cause?
Is West London better than Liverpool? Is Chelsea a "bigger" club?



I was fortunate. My four-year-old's godfather gave him the Torres number 9 which he loves wearing - but it has the red of Spain - not LFC - with the yellow stripes and "Espana" written on the side. So no need for ritual burnings in our house. But watching Chelsea led to a lot of confusion, and he rooted for the team in blue until he recognized some of the other players in red - notably Carragher and Gerard. He also knows that Reina is Spanish - and at the ripe maturity of four made the same silly suggestion as most of the British media, that his nationality means he will leave, too. Perhaps I should nominate him for Guardian Football Editor.


But I was suckered-in as well as the next Liverpool-supporting dad, and this is really about admitting you were wrong about someone, and challenging the obvious conclusion that greed, dishonesty and disloyalty are acceptable, even welcomed, these days in professional sport, and perhaps in the wider world. Fortunately, there ARE many good role models in the Liverpool team, beyond the local lads - Kuyt's work-ethic and devotion; Miereles's power and infectious confidence, Agger's cavalier battling attitude. But I'm going to leave my lad to make his own judgments about character, in future.


With Fernando, once bitten.


But with KK back, and Chelski looking shaky, our true revenge may come later, and much sweeter even than Sunday's victory.

FA Guide to refereeing Manchester United matches

From: The Football Association
To: All Premier League Referees

Colleagues: We thought it appropriate to add some additional guidance for refereeing critical matches involving Manchester United. As you know, Sir Alex Ferguson is a prominent and much revered figure in domestic football, so your role in decision-making both at Old Trafford and at Manchester United's away fixtures comes under additional scrutiny. Here is our advice:

1. Injury Time. In addition to the normal rules of adding time for injuries or substitutions, at Old Trafford an extra three to six minutes can be added if:-
 a) Sir Alex is red-faced, threatening the fourth official and/or promising to "end your career laddy".
b) If his team are losing by one goal.
If they are losing by more than one goal, an additional two minutes can be added for each additional goal they need to score to draw level.

If they are away from home, use your discretion about how many glass bottles might be hurled at you at the end of the game from the home supporters. But an additional minute per goal is usually ok.

2. Penalties. Manchester United players are frequently the victims of flagrant fouls in the box especially in the first five minutes. If you are at Old Trafford, make sure you apply the full extent of the law.

3. Whether at Old Trafford or away, if you are a female referee and are called upon to rule against Manchester United, contact Andy Gray immediately.

Can Martin Broughton rescue Manchester United?

Having snatched Liverpool FC back from the debt-ridden regime of Tom Hicks, can former British Airways Chairman and unlikely scouse hero Martin Broughton turn his attention to saving the gang up the East Lancashire Road, by conjuring another "epic swindle", as his Texan adversary called it?

The short answer, of course, is no. Because with Liverpool, Broughton seized a moment in time, when Hicks was beholden to the banks and the creditors with no way out but to relinquish control.

With thousands of Manchester United supporters set to rally at the Tottenham match a week from Saturday, against the Glazer family - that other group of  leveraged buy-out pirates cruising the Premier League's choppy seas, only the Premier League itself can save this prized asset.


Surely from Liverpool's traumas the rules of the game need to change. Stricter requirements need to be placed on the constitution of Premier League teams, the way their finances are structured to prevent massive interest payments, and a stricter business-test for the owners themselves.

As Spirit of Shankly has shown, supporter-power is important. But the Premier League honchos should look no further than, irony in itself, Major League Baseball, where - to stretch the metaphor even further - a level playing field has been established to protect the teams themselves from predators and therefore also the supporters.

Time to act, before another of our great sporting institutions falls into disrepute.