First published at http://www.theconversation.wamu.org
Dear Mr. Calamity Bank Executive,
First of all, we offer our sincere condolences over the collapse of your banking empire. Incompetence, greed, and poor decision-making surrounded you in the marketplace, and conspired against the prudent decisions you made throughout your illustrious years with the Calamity Bank. During that time, you took a humble side street mortgage brokerage and made it into a Wall Street titan through sheer daring, and a great deal of customers' money. Sheer bad fortune and meddling politicians conspired for your downfall.
The good news is, as citizen shareholders of the new American Bank of Taxpayers' Revenge (ABTR), we are delighted to welcome you as a new customer.
First of all, we're allowing you an overdraft facility of $10,000. This will be at an interest rate of 29.99 per cent, is secured on your reduced retirement assets and your condo in Virgin Gorda, and is freezable at any time we choose.
I am also happy to confirm we are issuing you with our new gold-embossed credit card. I am delighted you chose the picture of the window-leaping stock-broker for your image, and the flexible 31.5% rate of interest. Please be careful when going on vacations lasting more than four days. A 24-hour delay in payment will lead to a doubling of your interest rate and adversely affect your credit score. You'll be delighted to learn that we will subsequently be bombarding you with junk mail and junk email offering you dubious new ways to over-stretch your finances in the future.
In any event, from time to time, we will need to consult Equifax to confirm your credit score. This inquiry will, in itself, lead to a reduction in that credit score, and your rate of interest may increase as a result.
Once again, welcome to the American Bank of Taxpayers' Revenge. If you have any questions, our 24-hour "Bankers Away" call center is at your disposal. After listening to four lengthy automated messages, and repeating your account number three times, you will be placed on hold until someone in New Delhi is available to speak with you.
Please note; this letter, and the 92-thousand sub-clauses you will find in 4-point italics in the enclosed brochure, will serve as a binding agreement between you and our powerful firm of international lawyers. Please read it carefully. Especially if careful is a word you have only recently heard.
