Dear Loyal Customer,
Thank you for your letter complaining about our decision to increase the interest rate on your World Conqueror Gold Mastercard to 29.99%.
Our policy is to ignore complaints which we find inappropriately expressed, inordinately passionate, or pleading, but we are making an exception in your case because of your attention-getting British accent.
We note your explanation that you took ten days vacation and that, when you returned, you opened your statement to discover that our exorbitant finance charges had put you over the credit limit. We are also thrilled that you used our new interactive website, ProtectionRacket.com, immediately to restore the over-limit funds via your bank.
However, given that our profits for the last quarter totaled less than the targeted $500 Billion, we cannot review our decision on this occasion.
But rest assured that we remain your attentive servants, especially after our employees were all given preferential Swine Flu shots at our 89-story corporate headquarters ahead of sick people and young children in the surrounding community. This should enable us to continue to service your needs, 24/7.
We are also most grateful for your role as taxpayers in providing our $700 trillion bailout at the end of last year. If those funds hadn't been made available to us, and we hadn't passed most of them on as bonuses to our hard-working staff, only the good Lord knows where your account might be today.
Yours Sincerely,
R. Baron
Customer Service Director,
U.S. Bank of Greed
